What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence, often called ‘EQ’, is the ability to recognize your emotions and express them in a healthy and effective way. This involves:

a.       Naming the emotion you’re experiencing

b.       Understanding why it’s happening

c.       Pausing before reacting

d.       Choosing how to respond

e.       Acting in a way that respects both your needs and others’

Naming and Recognizing Your Emotions

To name the emotion you’re experiencing, it’s helpful to look at a feelings chart or wheel like the one in the picture I used for this article.

From the chart, choose the emotion that most closely resembles how you are feeling. In addition, pay attention to the sensations in your body that arise at the same time as the emotion. For example, stress can cause tension in the shoulders and neck; Anger can cause a burning sensation in the stomach; Sadness can cause a heavy sensation in the chest, etc. These bodily sensations become unique indicators for your emotions, making them easier to recognize in the future.

How to Start Developing Your EQ

Although EQ is something that ought to be taught to us in childhood, it very rarely is, because even our parents and teachers weren’t aware of their own emotions. So how do we begin to build this awareness as adults? One way is through mindfulness.

A quick and simple practice to start recognizing your emotions is to set your phone alarm to go off at two to three random times in the day. When your alarm goes off, slow down, breathe deeply, and name the emotion you’re feeling in that moment. You can also try to name any bodily sensations you’re feeling. For example: “In this moment, my jaw is stiff, my tongue is pressed up to the roof of my mouth, and my shoulders are tense. I think the emotion I’m experiencing is anxiety.”

This practice will take only a minute or two, but if done consistently, will gradually improve your EQ.

Developing EQ helps us to not only understand our own emotions but also the emotions of others. This is an extremely valuable skill in effective communication.

Real-Life Examples: With and Without EQ

Emotions play a role in both how we give and receive communication. To understand why recognizing emotions in ourselves and others is important in communication, let’s look at two real-world scenarios:

A.      Your friend is telling you about their recent breakup with their boyfriend, but you’re feeling super anxious about your driving test tomorrow.

B.      You had to drop your sick baby off at daycare this morning and go to work. Your boss pulls you into an important meeting where you must present a new product to potential clients.

In scenario A, your friend is experiencing deep grief about their break-up, and they need you to listen to them and support them through it. As they are speaking, you are unable to focus on what they are saying because you’re distracted by thoughts of your upcoming driving test. They can sense your distraction, and they feel like you don’t care about them or their pain. This leads to them becoming frustrated with you, and you becoming defensive (because it’s not true that you don’t care about their pain).

In scenario B, your boss trusts you to present the new product effectively and in a way that impresses the potential clients. However, when you get into the meeting, you stumble over your words and forget some very important selling points about the new product. Your boss is shocked by your poor performance, and you leave the meeting feeling like a failure.

In both scenarios, communication was ineffective due to unrecognized and/or undisclosed emotions. As a result, none of the parties got what they wanted or needed from the interactions. With emotional intelligence, the same scenarios could’ve had far more effective outcomes:

Scenario A (with EQ):

Your friend starts telling you about their recent breakup. You gently interrupt to let them know that you’re feeling distracted because of your driving test tomorrow by saying something like: “I’m so sorry about your breakup. Listen, I really want to be here for you, but I’m feeling distracted because of my driving test tomorrow. Can we take a few deep breaths together before we continue this conversation?”

-            This allows your friend to manage their expectations for your interaction. Instead of expecting your undivided attention, they understand that it’s not possible for you to give them that. In addition, taking a few deep breaths together allows you both a moment to regulate your emotions. And doing it together this helps maintain and strengthen your connection.

Scenario B (with EQ):

You’re at work when your boss asks you to present a new product to potential clients. You let your boss know that your child is sick and you’re feeling very stressed, and you worry that it may affect your performance in the meeting. You ask for some support to complete the task effectively.

-            This gives your boss the opportunity to manage their expectations of your performance. They can make an alternative plan like asking someone else to do the presentation, or they can provide you with additional support in the presentation. Your honesty about your emotional state has helped to ensure the success of the presentation and earned you the respect and trust of your boss.

The above scenarios are ideal outcomes. But it's important to remember that not everyone will respect your emotions or act in your best interests. Some people feel threatened by emotions. However, this is not an indication that your emotions are wrong, but rather that some people don’t know how to handle emotional honesty.

How emotionally intelligent are you?

Here are some simple questions to assess your own EQ:

1.       Which emotions do I think are good and which ones do I think are bad?

2.       Do I generally know how I feel and why I feel that way?

3.       Can I stay calm when I’m angry, sad, or stressed?

4.       Do I keep trying when things are hard, or do I give up?

5.       Can I understand how other people feel?

In the end, our emotions are signposts – guiding us toward what we need and away from what doesn’t serve us. They also allow us to connect deeply with others and are the foundation for a fulfilling life and fulfilling relationships. We can all learn better ways of relating to our own emotions and the emotions of others. Feeling a specific emotion doesn’t make anyone a bad person, it simply makes us human.

I offer life coaching lessons on Cafetalk, where I can talk you through any challenges in communication or emotional roadblocks you may be experiencing. If you’re interested in learning more about this, please check out my ‘Life Coaching 101’ lesson.

If you’d prefer a lesson that helps you develop your emotional intelligence in communication, please check out my ‘Exploring Perspectives’ lesson.